Trying to Fly Lest I Die Alone

My year has taken a sharp, unexpected turn.  In my planning for a year where I solve my trajectory problems, it seems the universe decided I should first deal with my past.  This is not necessarily a bad thing, except that most of my unresolved issues from the past involve either large sums of money or large sums of emotional stress.  Dealing with my past is a much bigger burden than running from it, and I suppose it is time for me to tighten the belt, as they say.  
Honestly, I was focused on the injustice of it all.  I had made up my mind that involving people in my life was the primary cause of my stress.  I was angry with people in my past for their lack of obligation to my family, for their lies, for their deception and for the fact that they were off living stable, sustainable lives while I was left to clean up the mess.  Financial struggles are a strange animal.  Some days I feel I can’t breathe and that I am moments away from having everything taken from me.  Other days, I really just don’t care anymore.  Instead of cowering, I strut around with this bold, cavalier attitude of, “Come get me assholes!  Take it all and relieve me of the worry!”  There seems to be no middle road for my feelings toward debt.
I spent a few informative hours with my good friends last weekend after a very full week of family holiday visits and travel.  We discussed a paralyzing fear that intermittently stonewalls my daily functioning, usually after a traumatic experience.  The trigger event, this time, was a dirty jerk on vacation who decided I should be followed and called like some kind of animal.  The event was frightening beyond any I had experienced in many years, thus opening up a black jar in my mind where I had stashed the pain of my past.  Though black jars are effective for hiding pain from the minds eye, the pain is never properly sorted.  Frightening encounters that creep into my solitude, wearing familiar colors and scents, can break open the black jar.  The ensuing battle is an emotional armageddon.
The final catalyst is this underlying urge to journey west.  Since leaving LA a year ago, I cannot seem to think of anything else.  My body is slowly consumed by this desire to live in the bustling city of arts, film and creativity.  Out west, the shore sings in pleasant keys, the ground vibrates in even tones and all of this is in total synchronicity with my own biorhythmic symphony.  Much like the albatross, I was once queen of the sky, until I crashed landed, breaking my wing.  As a bird who broke her wing long ago, I have not yet harnessed the idea that I could fly again, if I would only trust my feet to leave the ground.
With collection calls 10 to 15 times a day, funds falling short of day to day living costs, broken black jars and wrought with a desire to fly again, it is no wonder that I relapsed through night terrors this past week.  I think even people of the neurotypical variety would struggle to press together all these layers into a coherent fabric.  All I am trying to do is set my children up for the adventurous life they deserve and to avoid a life where I die alone.

Accepting Change Leads to Tier 1 Penetration – And I like it.

After a weekend of adjusting to change, and processing the emotional fallout of those around me, I have reached some level of clarity.  Perhaps the change was good for me.
As one with autism it is understood, and on some levels expected, that I would have difficulty with change.  Change means processing new people, habits, patterns and input.  This creates in me the need to define everything, working them into a series of measurements which I refer to as algorithms.  True, algorithms were not designed for use in humans, so to speak, but they are for me as the host of a brain that runs more like a computerized machine than a fluid under the effects of evolution.  I am an alien.  I know that.

To avoid rewriting my algorithms, I found it easier to avoid change.  But is this wise?  Perhaps change is one of those necessary evils that can produce a positive outcome, even for Aspies?  I need to weigh the data.

To begin with, I must list the changes that have occurred recently in my life.
  1. Accept new people into my inner circle (or what I call Tier 1).
  2. Adjust my schedule, especially to make room for more spontaneity.
  3. Converse more.  More people means more conversation.
  4. Face my fear of the telephone.  Coordinating socio-economic activities often requires a discussion on the telephone, as does maintaining friendship with those who do not like to type.
  5. Process more emotions.  Anytime you add people, you add their emotional color to the social exchange.  I know this even though I can’t always read it.
To weigh these, I use my negative weight scale, or n-weight.  Each of the items on the list hold a 1 n-weight, making this a 5 n-weight list.  The scale itself measures from 1 to 8, with 1 being a minor adjustment, 5 being a significant change and 8 being a total life over-haul.  For example, taking care of a plant for someone has a 1 n-weight as the change in my surroundings and routine is minimal.  Having a baby, on the other hand, is an 8 n-weight, as it requires complete change in every aspect of daily life.  A 5 n-weight list may contain a series of 1 n-weight items, but the sum of them is still 5.  This means I must undergo a significant paradigm shift to adjust to these new changes collectively.

On the flip side, comfort is also measured.  Let’s say that I stay the same.  I accept no changes and live nestled into the scenario to which I am most accustomed.  No change = comfort, to which I assign 2 positive weights, or p-weights.  Comfort outweighs change 2 to 1.  This means that against a 5 n-weight list, I have a 2 to 1 comfort ratio, making the resistance of change a 10 p-weight motive.  Clearly not changing is a more positive result, on my scale.

But what happens when the change brings something or someone into my life that ultimately brings comfort, once I have adjusted to the change?  How then can I weigh the differences?  Three of my changes on the list above are impacts from the inclusion of one person or event, whereas the other two are derivative events.  These changes were all n-weighted in the start, but as I proceed the changes to my current paradigm, the added comforts out ranked my 2 to 1 scale system of no change versus change respectively.  As a matter of fact, the new comforts are still undefined, as to origin and weight assignment, but seem to display quite clearly an overall p-weight that reached beyond my system.  How is that possible?

How is that possible?

Maybe this is what Susskind said as he saw particles move as a wave?  Maybe this is what Pavlov said to his dog?  Maybe this is what onlookers said as they saw science students disappear under a fabric they invented?

It seemed like a problem.  Then there was the Planetarium.  I was attending a presentation at the Fernbank Science Center on “Bad Astronomy.”  Essentially the program debunked the validity of alien sightings and the accuracy of Astrology.  Anyhow, during the presentation, they posted Newton’s Law as a basis for their argument over the effectiveness of planetary gravity on human behavior.  I was quick to contemplate the math and use it as a perception filter for recent events.

F=GMm/d2, was the formula presented at the planetarium.  It was used to explain how distance effects the gravitational pull plants have on humans here on earth.  The greater the distance, the less effect gravity has on the mass of the two bodies.  When I saw this I knew that G is a gravitational constant, simplified as 6.673×10-11Nm2/kg2 with a standard uncertainty of 1.2×10-4, and immediately thought this could be why my human p-weight versus n-weight system is failing.  I never considered that p-weights increased in mass as the subject grew nearer to Tier 1.

As distance decreases between two humans, it changes the effect they have on one another.  As long as I remained in a constant state, or unchanged, I kept the p-weight effect of people on me minimized.  The distance lessened their p-weight.  Distance helped lessen the n-weight effect of change itself.  Comfort was also based on distance, but proportional to  the avoidance of pain.  This made a perfectly logical host for the 1 n-weight to 2 p-weight system.

In the past, I had never considered the inverse, the positive effects of people once they broke through my discomfort barrier.  The positive effects of love, companionship and even mutual idea exchange grow stronger as the theoretical distance between the two subjects decreases.  Context of human interaction has crept up on me from behind, again.  I had never thought to calculate the diminishment of distance.
So, if I am adding comfort weight based on no change at a 2 to 1 rate but then decreasing n-weights as distance decreases, my n-weight versus p-weight system is obliterated.  What does this mean for me?  Is the score set at Libido 1, Logic, 0?

I decided to head out of the house to search for clarity.  I went to Starbucks for a tea, grabbed a NY Times and snuggled into a large chair to read the paper.  My mind halted at the sight of an article title in the science section of the paper “…Proposal Puts Practicality Ahead of Sacrifice.”  It suddenly made sense what I needed to do.  I needed to put what was working ahead of my sacrifices, system or no system.
My system was ideal for weighing medial, day to day decisions such as what movie to watch or what food to eat.  When it came to the complex interaction of humans, I would have to accept that personality can not be weighed nor could I predict the impact of personality on me. The need to quantify everything had removed me from the prison of fear but transferred me directly to the prison of isolation, at least where Tier 1 penetration was concerned.   The system was effective at holding out trouble, but it inadvertently filtered out the amazing people who could change my life for the better.  Much like antibiotics, I was taking out the good with the bad.

My life trajectory has changed and for the better.  I have learned that the unexpected can usher in enlightenment, change can bring about comfort, and, as said in  This Side by Nickel Creek, “sometimes the unexplained can define you.”  Unexplained, this change in my life is, but unexplained doesn’t mean undefined, I know that will come to me one day.  Unexplained can mean immeasurable, and that I am ok with.