Stuck

I recently posted on Facebook the feelings I am having lately.  Layers of emotions with multiple causes – such as the APA decision to eliminate Asperger’s from the DSM-V, the year of r, 2012, not ending the way I had hoped, changes in my work I cannot control and backlash from my inability to effectively  ask for what I need.

My rant began this way:


Want to know what living with autism can be like some days? Take a day in your life -remove 75% of your income, give yourself a headache, give yourself a stomach pain that gets worse when you are presented with food, surround yourself with people who speak broken English and be sure not to look at them when they speak so that body language is removed from your ability to interpret them. Now, in this setting, go to work, make a living, make friends, and if you have some extra time, remember to build your own self-confidence while having someone come in every half hour to remind you that you are a broken human being (this equals the news media bombardment).
 
Do this everyday until you break. How long would it take for you to give up?
 
Despite the gifts autism brings, don’t forget that those with autism you view as “mild” or “looking normal to you” operate under a barrage of sensory and social issues that run like a noisy machine in the background of everything we do. Before you lecture someone with autism about choices they make or how hard they appear to be working, you try and live life they way we do.
 
People have committed suicide from a condition called tinnitus; a condition which causes a constant ringing in the ears. If tinnitus was my only constant sensory discomfort, I would consider myself lucky.
 
Be careful who you lecture and who you judge. The surface is a cover, not a window.



This was followed by a day of processing as I tried to understand what is happening to me.  My days seem to shift from feelings of hope to feelings of inadequacy, with no in between.  The confusion has my stomach in knots, causing my diet to run in weird directions as I alternate from starving to hating the sight of food.  I hear vibrations, lights are bothersome, and my asthma is a mess.  Despite a lower income this year, all is going fairly well  – great friends, positive feedback from students, recorded a cd, and published a new book – so, I should be in a good mood, generally speaking.  
 
Then what is happening to me? 
 
I know these internal collisions of emotions are typical in people with autism.  Despite my experience and many hours of very helpful therapy, I still get stuck in this vortex – and still seem to never see it coming.  Since the general belief is that autistics don’t experience emotions, the training tends to focus on teaching us how to read other people’s emotions.  There is no effective therapy to date that helps autistics recognize, accept, and regulate their own emotions – or at least there is no effective one for me.
 
This is when a flood of questions enter my mind.  They are always the same questions:

 

  • Why do I feel I am pedaling hard but going no where?
  • Why do I believe that I am destine for greatness while at the same time feel too small to reach my dreams?
  • Why can’t I escape this feeling of being trapped?
  • What is wrong with me that I can’t have the job and home life I dream of?
 
Tomorrow I am going to ease my mind by taking a walk in a place that is familiar and full of positive memories.  I wish I had a streamlined process that would ease this dark side of autism.  There are days…..I just feel stuck.

 

 

Not Knowing Emotion or Not Knowing How to Show?

Emotions are difficult to discuss because of their abstract nature.  The way Neurotypical (NT, from now on) people express their feelings to one another really have perplexed me for most of my life.  There seems to be this need inside the individual to have others understand how he or she feels, but a reluctance to “show” that emotion.  Yet somehow the outsider is supposed to read this conflict, decipher the emotion and react properly.  I cannot understand this, but I can tell you that I cannot operate my emotions in that fashion.
I believe that as an Aspie, that I do feel emotions. I see myself as a burn victim of emotions where emotion is so hot and fiery to me that it burns me leaving pain long after the incident.  As a result of that ongoing pain, my interior emotional states and my ability to read the emotional states of others are superseded by my pain.  For me, emotional states and expression must have a place to go and therefore elevate to a more cerebral status.  In other words, I express how I feel with the giving of gifts, analysis of words, presence needs from others and through my special interest.
If we take NT love, for example, between a parent and child, we see a desire in the NT parent to be loved by the NT child.  The NT child shows this by seeking approval from the parent.  You may argue that there is more to it than that, but really human love at its basic is a sort of approval seeking  and validation system (storge).  It is more automatic and linked with familiarity.  Most people want to know they are loved and that what they are feeling is “normal” or valid. When our children become teenagers and stop seeking the approval of their parents, the love between that child and his or her parent must evolve to a more unselfish love, which usually presents a new bond as the teenager enters young adulthood. There is no longer a familiarity to rely upon and for the relationship to survive, the love must evolve into an uncircumstantial love (agape).
With an Aspie child, that system of approval seeking is not there, mostly because we don’t care what others think.  Often times the NT parent misreads this lack of approval seeking in the Aspie child as an inability to return love leaving the NT parent to questions if the Aspie child feels love at all.  In reality, the Aspie child feels love for you but already in that advanced way that adult children hopefully evolve love their parents (agape).  This love is an unselfish love far removed from approval seeking and validation.  Aspie love is not there to fill anyone else’s needs for love; Aspie love is there as a free gift for no particular reason at all.
If NT parents can embrace this love of their Aspie child and release their need for validation, then a wonderful joy will result.  The NT parent will start to notice the unique ways the Aspie child relays love and both will begin to believe their love is always there.  As an Aspie myself and a “burn victim” of emotion, I can tell you that the process of sorting how I feel and how to express my feelings are a long string of laborious, life-long tasks.  There is no greater reward for that hard work than just knowing that my friends and family freely love me, no matter how poor I am at showing my emotion in conventional ways.
Laura Nadine